And I've been keeping all the letters
by Mercury Flowers
Summary: I really like Doctor Who and Michael Buble and this is what came of it. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Doctor Who or Michael Buble, sadly enough. The title comes from Crowded House, "You're the one to make me cry."

1. Doomsday: You're the one to make me cry

My Dearest Rose,

You are gone. I watched you disappear like some too distant radio signal. You were consumed by a wave of static until all that was left was white noise. And I was left staring at the empty deck of my Tardis.

You so beautiful and brave. My Rose.

Damn my mind. Too many thoughts, too many words all racing through it at a million miles per hour. The words tumbled from my lips, eating up precious time until it was gone.

Some Time Lord I am. I mean what man with that appellation can run out of time? Well, obviously me, the dunce, the outcast. Never quite good enough I'm afraid. Nope, can't even bear my soul. Yet You could, the "stupid ape" I brought along could bravely say three words that I still fear.

Nine hundred years! I've experienced a lot. I lost my world, my people, committed double genocide, and saved Earth way too many times to count. Yet in that mess, that conflagration of pain . . . I found. . . you.

My salvation. My Rose. You brought me out of the darkness and gave me strength to go on. But I . . . I feel it creeping up on me again.

The pain is too much, as if I have been torn in two, missing a huge piece of myself. I want to see worlds burn again so that others can know my pain. And I want to kill in your name as if to prove my worthiness . . .

But that won't prove anything accept that I am a coward. That the last of the Time Lords, consumed in grief turned into the one thing he hated above all and the one thing you would fear: a murderer.

Oh Rose, how I wish you were here. I'd tell you. I really would. I wouldn't choke or switch subjects quite awkwardly. I would tell you finally. I would tell you what I thought I had conveyed, what I thought you could feel when I held your hand, or said fantastic or called you brilliant.

I love you.

The Doctor

P.S. Leave it to me to finally say it in a letter you'll never get.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Like it needs to be said, I don't own Doctor Who. The song this time is Where are you Christmas? from the The Grinch soundtrack.

2. The Runaway Bride: Where are you Christmas?

Rose,

Happy Christmas! Yes it's that time again and everywhere I look are memories of you.

Fake Santas! Check!

Killer Christmas Tree! Double Check!

Spaceship over London! Well you get it by now.

In reality about a day and a half has passed since I last saw you, but time for me has never been a straight line, as you well know.

Still, I've had no time to process my grief. A minute after I penned my first missive a girl in a wedding dress just showed up in the Tardis. She, Donna's her name as it turned out, blathered on about me kidnapping her in a rather annoying and rude way, but nonetheless she managed to slice open the gaping wound in my soul. You see she found one of your shirts strewn about the Tardis.

A sharp painful reminder as to how recently I lost you. I ripped it from her hands, yet somehow suppressed the urge to cuddle it, to inhale your scent and float adrift on a wave of memories.

But when she was gone and the only sound was the resonating whoosh of the Tardis and the somber beating of both of my hearts I could deny myself no longer. I curled up on my rarely used bed and snuggled your shirt like a child would a teddy bear. Your scent enveloped me, the soft sweet scent of roses and I fell asleep.

I dreamed you were in my arms, all soft and warm and I told you I loved you. You smiled as if truly content and then . . .

I woke up, cold and alone with only my ship and your old clothes to keep me company.

The silence is deafening.

I love you.

The Doctor


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Doctor Who is not mine and "Oh the times they are a changin'" belongs to the great Bobby D. (Bob Dylan for those who do not speak my language.)

3. Smith and Jones, The Shakespeare Code, Gridlock: Oh the times they are a changin'

Oh my love,

The days are swiftly passing. I can't believe months have gone by when it still feels as if I just left you on that beach, watching the tears fall from your soul deep brown eyes, the wind whipping through your blonde hair.

They say time heals all wounds but time has only made mine worse. I took on a new companion, Martha, a wonderfully intelligent girl who does at times make me proud . . . But . . . she's not you. I don't feel that ecstatic joy, that soulful connection with her. And I, the constant traveler can't seem to find any joy in traveling, for every trip, every time I allow the time vortex to fling me out into the universe I feel myself moving farther and farther from you.

And it's not for lack of trying on my part. I did my love yet it seems everywhere I go I find myself in similar situations. Ones that remind me of you. This only makes me feel nothing but emptiness as if I were dancing with a ghost.

I took her back in time and we met another famous writer, Shakespeare this time, not Dickens and it only made me miss you more. I keep fighting in your name, saving the world over and over again for you. For no one else but you. My Rose. My Salvation, it keeps the darkness away. Imagine that even in another world, separated by walls of time and the silence of the void you are still saving me. I only wish I could return the favor my love.

Then just as with you I found myself on New Earth. You remember that trip. I was the new, new Doctor and you; well we both ended up being possessed by Cassandra, the "last human."

Who kissed me that day though? I've always wondered that. Was it Cassandra or Rose? I do believe you had something to do with it. Such a strong mind you could not be so easily overtaken; even the time vortex couldn't destroy you.

I dream about it sometimes, that kiss. Your lips on mine, your body crushed to mine. My hearts feeling as if they would explode, my body on fire, longing to just stay there forever. I've been married, fathered children but never have I ever wanted a woman the way I want you. Even when you were with me that moment haunted me, brought me many sleepless nights where against my better judgment I would stand over you, watching you sleep, all the while resisting the urge to climb in next to you and make you mine.

So many times I'd wanted to kiss you again but restrained myself. I settled for holding your hand or hugging you, like I did when we were leaving the planet that somehow was orbiting a black hole. You entered the Tardis and my first instinct was to run up to you and kiss you so hard that neither one of us would be able to breathe. Yet what did I do? I lifted you off the ground in a bear hug; one a brother might give his sister. But my feelings toward you have never been anything brotherly. There were other times during that voyage when I wanted to tell you how I felt. Like when you teased me about getting a mortgage and shyly stuttered something about us living together. I never let you see it but inside I was ecstatic, my hearts racing, my mind already thinking of the possibilities. Yet what did I do? I quickly changed the subject.

I should have told you. I should have said those words every chance I got and not settled for some facsimile gesture or word. You never knew it but I did almost tell you then, when Ida and I were exploring the beast's pit. I was facing death, a true death, not something I could regenerate my way out of and even that was not motivation enough for me. I choked, believing you knew, but you didn't did you. You never knew.

And now you'll never know.

I wonder, do you think of me? Or without any response, did you move on, give up on me finally as you probably should have a long time ago? Did you finally give Mickey a fair shot or did you find some other dashing prince, one deserving of you? Not a broken wretch, not some 900 plus relic who can give you nothing but his love and a police box that's bigger on the inside. Sure we could travel the universe, time and space at our feet. But nothing else. I can't be the prince charming to your Cinderella. I can't settle down and raise a few kids, not while I still have the Tardis and not when the universe still holds more secrets. I'm a restless soul.

Yet in my mind I could see you with a baby in your arms at the console of the Tardis making your home wherever I am. Saving the world and changing nappies all without breaking a sweat.

For inevitably in my company the world will be ending, just as it is now. Something's coming I can feel it in my bones. That somewhere in the near distant future the universe is crying out in pain.

The face of Boe, you remember him, big face, smoke filled jar . . . Well he told me I wasn't alone. But he couldn't be further from the truth. I am more alone now then ever before. I pray it was just his vague way of implying that I'd see you again but I know in my hearts it was not. There's a gnawing ache deep within me that leads me to believe that whatever he was saying is not a good thing.

And though I long for the day I will see you again I fear with some certainty that it will never come.

Make me proud, My Rose.

I Love you.

The Doctor


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Doctor Who, not mine and sadly neither is "New York, New York". I wish it was. Then I'd be rich, but a girl can dream can't she.

Author's note: FYI the episodes that correspond with the letter are written before the song title. I thought it would make it easier, let you know the Doctor's frame of mind.

Enjoy!

in Manhattan, Evolution of the Daleks: New York, New York

Rose my love,

Why? Why do they always find some loophole, some way to escape extinction while I lose everything? First my race, my people and my world. I thought that was enough, that the universe had evaluated my sacrifice and found it worthy.

But noooooo.

They returned. My enemy, the Daleks and I lost . . . you. And I am losing my mind. You were my world; my new home, my Gallifrey and they stole it again. Swept away into the distant reaches of a parallel world. You were taken from me.

I thought at least that sacrifice was enough. I believed, stupidly, that having both of my hearts ripped out and eviscerated was enough to keep them away but once again my love, no it was not.

They are back, the cult of Skaro, ready to regenerate the Dalek race. Yes by using an emergency temporal shift, they escaped to 1930's New York. Oh and get this, the Empire State Building, built by Daleks. I know unbelievable right. See in reality it is a conductor used to harness solar energy and kick start the new Dalek race. A Dalek-human hybrid. Needless to say that did not go over well and in the end when I tried to help them they destroyed themselves.

I stopped them though. The sacrifice this time, my life. Weeelllll nearly, and about three times. I felt no fear in facing death. I welcomed it even. After 900 years and too many sacrifices to name I welcomed death. If my death could stop the Daleks and prevent the ruination of innocent lives, such as yours, I would do it, without a second thought.

But it won't.

And I know it. They would find someone new to torture or actually succeed in taking over the Earth. And you know me. I can't let that happen.

I take Martha home next. One trip was all I offered and I'm afraid it's been a bit more than that. The magic is still missing. I keep hoping it will come back. That one day I'll look at her, or she'll do something and it will be like a homecoming. A shot of electricity down my spine that tingles all the way to my toes. My hearts will race, my tongue will go dry and I will remain in awe, dumbstruck by love.

But as more time passes and it doesn't come the more I know it never will. You are it. My Rose.

You captured me from the first. So brave and beautiful even when you were terrified or angry, usually at me. You bewitched me. You stayed when I begged you to go. You forced me out of my solitude, made me get in touch with my human side again, even got me to become slightly domestic, Christmas dinner with your mum and all that.

Only you could do that, bring this bitter old man back to his youth. Each day with you was like a dream. One that I was forcibly awakened from only to find nightmare in its place.

I hope to awake soon from this nightmare and hold you once again. We will take on the Daleks with our love; prove to them that emotions only make you stronger. And our battle cry will be tried and true written across time and space. (No not Bad Wolf)

I love you.

The Doctor


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Doctor who nor the song "History Repeating", that goes to the great Shirley Bassey.

5. The Lazarus Experiment, 42: All just little bits of history repeating

My sweet darling Rose,

Well Martha's still here. It's more so routine now. Cell phone upgrade, key to the Tardis and well. . . she did save my life, I'll give her that. But I nearly cost her hers. Another young girl I nearly destroyed.

I sweep into lives like a cloud through the sky, unassuming in appearance offering endless possibilities but if I stick around you long enough, a storm; tornado, hurricane, blizzard or what have you, develops and lives are forever changed. So wonderfully nicknamed the oncoming storm.

Yet where is my peace, that calm center, they eye of the storm where it all seems perfect and well.

She's far away. Ruined by me. For while you are my salvation, what am I to you and ultimately to Martha, your ruination, your destruction.

She nearly burned alive by crashing into a sun, a half a universe away from home. What do I do to people? Why is it whenever I get close, be they friend, lover or you, the love of my life, a mixture of both, do I have to lose them?

Why am I, the man who spends his life saving the universe and the world denied one modicum of happiness? Why does the universe never give back? Instead what do I get? Well I know you're safe, somewhat and I did save her but neither of you should have been in danger in the first place. I should not have to pay such a high price as losing those I love. I don't want to just know you're safe. I want to be with you.

But instead. . .

Now I'm sitting in the Tardis, Martha is recuperating, sleeping off the adventure, and I am longing for you. I yearn to hold you, kiss you. I want to know every inch of you and for you to know every, and I do mean every, inch of me. I dream of joining with you, of making love to you. Like some prepubescent schoolboy it is nearly all I think of. You consume the little sleep I do get, images of your naked writhing body flickering and flashing before my eyes at the most inopportune times.

I swear I can feel you, when I wake, I swear I can still feel your skin against mine, your sweet body, all soft womanly curves under mine, accepting me. Your legs entwined with mine, your hands in my hair, fisting and pulling as we reach for the climax together. We move together as if we'd made love a thousand times before, and yet each time I notice something new. A look in your soulful brown eyes, a quiver of your muscles, a slight moan, or a keening cry of ecstasy.

Yet they all end the same. Both of us, enraptured with they other and in the throes of passion, twin cries splitting the night. And I awake ready to moan out a desperate, urgent . . .

I love you.

The Doctor


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** Doctor Who, sadly is in the same category as Michael Buble and is not mine. The chapter title comes from "Jealous Guy" by John Lennon.

Nature, Family of Blood, Blink: I didn't mean to hurt you. . .

Rose,

I write to you now with heavy hearts and a guilty conscience. I must confess; I fell in love again. I know, I know my darling. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But it wasn't me.

I know its cliché, they all say that but in this situation it really and truly wasn't.

I rewrote my biology, became fully human. I didn't remember the Doctor or our adventures together or you. And even when I did it was in fragments that appeared to me in dreams. I believed it to be fiction, fanciful stories of the man I wished to be.

I was a teacher, John Smith. She was a nurse, Joan Redfern and the year was 1913. And in a way that I could never actually achieve, John Smith courted and fell in love with her.

I hurt her. The Doctor was and is not John Smith. He is the fiction. A creation of my mind and the Tardis. Granted he is a part of me, but that's it, just a part, not the whole. Joan understood this better then me even, well human me anyway, and she couldn't live with it.

Oh but Rose I saw the life they could have had. Children and grandchildren. A life full of love and happiness. He could settle down, raise them to be good and true, in a way that I, sadly cannot.

She wouldn't come with me. I could feel the tiniest sliver of that connection, like a shiver as opposed to the cold, and she refused me. She's strong but not as strong as you or even Martha. She couldn't build her life in the Tardis, something that you did quite naturally. Something I still imagine.

In the night when Martha sleeps I dream, in a half-conscious state, of the life we could have had. Beautiful children, more time lords and ladies, with your blonde hair or your eyes, your smile. Children we would love and care for. Children I wouldn't lose in a war. You wouldn't let them. You would die, you would never give up. Maybe that's what was missing, too much time lord not enough human. We gave up too easily. You see we have no fear of death. We regenerate , but humans don't have that option. They have to keep fighting.

Right now my whole existence depends upon some woman I met once, Sally Sparrow. Yet I have no doubt that she'll rescue Martha and me. You see we ran into some weeping angels who like to feed off the energy of days that could have been and therefore send people back in time, stranding them.

Martha and I are stranded in 1969. Ohhh you'd love it. Moon landing, Woodstock, the Beatles the Stones. We were supposed to go to 1979 once, you remember but that old reliable Tardis dropped us in 1879. We met Queen Victoria and were knighted. Dame Rose. You wore that short denim skirt and I had to train myself not to stare at your legs. Not that you knew that at the time.

It all seems like so long ago now. I feel so old, as if all my 900 years are compounding upon me in this instant. The weight of the world and all that. And you aren't here to take it away. I miss you, with every fiber of my being. Yet I can't stand still. I keep moving forward, as I'm sure you do too.

The lonely assassin, maybe that's what I am. Just another weeping angel feeding off all of the days you could have had. Yet I don't have their luxury, when the eyes of the world are on me I don't stop. I can't stop, for when that happens it usually means that the world is in peril.

The Tardis keeps flinging me out into the universe, farther and farther I go with only Martha to keep me company. Weeeelllll, her and your old clothes. I hid them. They lie in a drawer in my room, as if awaiting the day you will join me again and take your rightful place at my side.

Oh how I wish that day were today.

I love you.

Sir Doctor


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** Doctor Who is not mine and the lyric this time is from the song "Hurt" by the Nine Inch Nails, though I prefer the Johnny Cash version.

7. Utopia, The Sound of Drums, The last of the time lords: Everyone I know goes away in the end.

Rose Tyler. . .

Has it really been a year since I said those words, since I watched you disappear? Well in some ways it has been more. A whole year passed and was then forgotten, on top of it all. So if I wanted to be technical, two years have passed, but that's my life all wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey.

Sorry to blather on, I'm just trying to process it all. Another year and another person gone. And it all started because of Captain Jack. Don't expect you forgot him? Devilishly handsome, a born flirt, kissed us both the last time we saw him.

He lived dear Rose. You brought him back to life, forever. He can't die. He's an anomaly now, an impossible thing, even to my more sophisticated senses. Still despite that major change he's still the same old Captain Jack, eyeing anything that breathes.

He asked about you. I think he loves you and me, in his own way. He feared you were dead. I couldn't tell him at first. I put on my fake smile, you know the one that doesn't reach my eyes, and brushed it off with a casual, "nope safe in a parallel world with Mickey and mum." He hugged me and I couldn't help but share his joy. If only that were true if only I could see you again. My Rose.

My knight in shining armor.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, sorry got off track. So Jack, yes! He tried to hop onto the Tardis as we left. The Tardis tried to shake him off and we landed at the end of the universe.

Where to my utter shock I found that I am not alone.

No I am not, another time lord, a lost child of Gallifrey, hidden in a human body. But all was not well. Not all time lords were good and I wouldn't have you believe that, not for a second.

He chose the title the master. And that is what he became. Lord and master of the whole world.

He captured me, made me experience all my years at once. I was so crippled and bent with age you wouldn't have recognized me . . . I fit in a bird cage, that's all I'm saying. And stop laughing. I swear I can hear it, through the wall of nothingness that separates us, I can hear you giggling.

So moving on, needless to say, I was helpless. But Martha, she saved me. She saved the world. Much like you. You see it's my companions who do all the work, it seems I can do nothing but take the credit.

YOU destroyed the Daleks with help from the time vortex. YOU sacrificed yourself to send both Dalek and cybermen back into the void. Martha traveled the world, telling them of me, and saved the world with one word; Doctor.

And when all was said and done, the Master, the one other time lord left, lay dead. Not by mine or Martha's hand mind you. Noooooo, his own wife shot him and he . . . as one last punishment refused to regenerate.

I am alone now.

Even Martha left.

She loved me, you know. But I, I couldn't see it. I didn't even imagine the possibility. I never loved her, not in that way. She was my friend, someone to ease the gaping wound in my hearts and soul. She couldn't deal; she didn't want to throw her life away for someone who would never love her back.

You did. You didn't know I loved you and decided, against my better judgment, to stay with me. But then again, you didn't have a ghost to contend with.

I don't think she likes you very much, or well more specifically, the idea of you. She's jealous, for you hold both of my hearts in your hands and she, well she has my respect and friendship.

Here I am, once again, alone. I always find someone to bruise and leave behind. All alone in space and time. Wait, no that's placebo, not my own words. I knew it sounded too good to be true.

Yet more honest words have never been spoken about me. Sarah Jane, You, Donna, and now Martha. Will I ever get my happy beginning? I've had too many endings to know that none are ever happy. An ending is a death, finito, forever. But a beginning, my Rose, a beginning is full of possibilities.

That's what I want with you, a happy beginning. So full of potential the universe is nearly bursting at the seams.

It won't happen.

The face of Boe was . . . Oh did I tell you. Jack, our Captain Jack is the face of Boe, born on the Boeshine peninsula he was a poster child, first to be picked for the time agency. Can you believe it! All those times and I never knew.

Well, anyways, he was wrong. I'm alone again, as always. You and I are oceans apart, worlds away. Never to be together again.

After the year I've had I've lost all hope. I will never see you again; you are well and truly gone. Even that can't change this one fact, the one fixed point of my lifetime that I can accept.

I love you.

The Doctor.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** Doctor Who, once again, not mine and neither is "Christmas time is here again" that belongs to the one and only Beatles.

8. Voyage of the Damned: Christmas time is here again!

Oh Rose!

Only 24 hours have passed and yet my hope is restored. Shortly after I put my pen down a ship crashed through the Tardis. Yes a ship.

It was easily fixed, but I was intrigued for you see a lifesaver that fell into the Tardis read Titanic. Well you know me, full of curiosity, have to push every button, ask every question.

So after I fixed the Tardis I landed on board. It wasn't the real one just so you know but a spaceship luxury liner out for Christmas cruise.

And I know what you're thinking but sadly no, no killer Santa's or Christmas trees, but killer angels instead. And with help of these deadly cherubs we nearly crashed into Buckingham palace and destroyed London. Once again, though, catastrophe was averted because a young girl sacrificed herself.

Astrid. She sacrificed her life, much like you. I saved her in the end but she's unreachable, once again much like you. She's traveling the universe in molecules now.

You see what restored my hope is that too many things about this encounter left a tingling in the back of my mind. Too many situations reminded me of you. I lost her much like I lost you, only able to half save her. On top of that I met an Alonzo, and I actually got to say Allons-y Alonzo. You see if you have a brain like mine and my experience with the world of time travel then you begin to realize that there is no such thing as coincidences. It all leads back to you.

Alonzo, a noble sacrifice, someone I can't see again yet I know they are safe. It's you! Something's happening and good or bad I don't care. As long as I am with you I can take on the world, the Daleks, the cybermen, and the master all at once. I just need to kiss you, hold you, love you and find my strength to go on.

I feel giddy with excitement. I will see you soon my dear and know this.

I love you.

The Doctor


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Doctor Who nor do I own the lovely title of this chapter. That honor goes to Panic at the Disco for it comes from their amazing song "Folkin' around".

9. Partners in Crime, The Fires of Pompeii, The planet of the Ood: Allow me to exaggerate a memory or two

Rose, Rose, Rose,

My hearts are beating a wild tattoo in my chest; my body is shaking with excitement. I feel you near. Like a shadow. I feel your presence yet when I reach for your hand, mine falls through the nothingness. My chaotic mind seems only capable of one thought. Soon, soon, soon.

There's a deep ache in my chest, a strange sweet tingle in my toes, and a brightness to my soul that I have not felt since that day, oh so long ago now on a beach when you so bravely told me how you felt.

Soon, my body quivers with anticipation. I feel a renewed strength and passion for my life. I owe it to you and to Donna, (the bride has returned). She's different. She's just a friend, nothing more. So great to finally hear concern and sympathy from my companion when your name comes up. Well to be perfectly honest she asked after you.

Oh you'd like her. She's absolutely brilliant and very clever. And somehow I can see it happening. You and her, partners in crime. Donna it seems is the catalyst for your return my love. And she seems happy to do it.

Ever since she turned up again, I could swear, I could feel your eyes on me. As if I'd walked through a cobweb, the sensation skitters across my skin and disappears. Its as if as one returns, so shall the other.

And I'm not crazy. This isn't just some figment of my lonely imagination. A soothsayer, one who with alien help could truly see the future said, "She is returning". I was too busy trying to save the world at the time to process his words but now I know it means you. You, my love. Soon I will hold you again.

On top of all of this I'm sure the Tardis can sense your return. I set it to random and landed on the planet of the Ood. I know you remember them. You immediately questioned their servitude and were as upset as I was that we couldn't save them.

I have redeemed us. Donna and I have set them free. And they sing Rose. Such sad songs of captivity. Yet their song of freedom was sweeter than any song I've ever heard.

The Ood said something that disturbed me, though. They said every song must end, even mine. That scares me, my darling. I fear, like some cosmic joke. I will get you back and you will lose me, lose the man you fell in love with. And I wouldn't put it past the universe to pull a trick like that. It's right up its alley, a new version of save the world but lose you.

I don't really know what they meant but I'm trying to ignore it, trying to put it behind me and speed ahead toward the day we can be together again.

For I can't wait to hold you, kiss you, and tell you, to finally finish the sentence that has been hanging for a year and a half, to finally say those words that seem to get stuck in my throat. Three small words, the last you said to me, the ones that ring inside my head until I can focus on nothing but the fact that,

I love you.

The Doctor


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Doctor Who and I don't own the lyrics either. They belong to Leonard Cohen and his song "Hallelujah". Though I prefer Jeff Buckley's lamenting and beautiful version.

10. The Sontaran Stratagem, The poison Sky, The Doctor's Daughter: And it's not a cry that you hear at night it's not somebody who's seen the light its a cold and its a broken, hallelujah.

Oh Rose,

I write to you from a place of unending sadness. It's a pain I never thought I would experience again; the death of a child. I was a father once but losing them, my children, it made me scared to be a father again. I thought maybe we could but now . . .

They shot her. My beautiful daughter, shot dead before me. And worse, she died protecting me. Yes she was born of a machine from an extrapolated DNA sample, but still she was my daughter. A born soldier, bred to fight and yet she could think, she could see the choices before her and chose not to kill.

My brave daughter . . . Jenny, her name was Jenny. She was the potential. At first I couldn't look at her without seeing the others, without a feeling of overwhelming grief. She won me over, in the end. She reminded me of you, truth be told. Blonde hair, large brown eyes, and a never ending spirit. I could accept her because deep down within my hearts I could believe she was ours, full grown but still, ours.

But now she is gone.

It was all going so well beforehand. I had defeated another past enemy, the Sontarans, a clone race bred for war. I saved the Earth with help from Donna, Martha, and a genius called Rattigan. A joyful day indeed.

But just as we were saying goodbye the Tardis kidnapped us all and we landed on a planet in the midst of a never ending war. That's where Jenny was born.

Turns out, in the end, she was our reason for going. A call throughout time, pulling me to my daughter. But as with all travel in the Tardis we landed before Jenny's creation, which then led to her. I know it's confusing. I can see your furrowed brow as you bite your lip. Just know that it's a paradox and move on, it's hard to convey via a letter.

As with your departure I don't have time to grieve. The world keeps turning, time keeps moving, and I keep going. I fear if I stop my accumulated grief would overwhelm me and I don't know what would happen then.

More grief is coming my love. I feel it churning in my gut, a loss unlike any other but I can't say what. I have no inkling. And I just can't think of what else they could take away from me.

Maybe I'm just growing paranoid in my old age, I could swear for the briefest moment I heard you. One word, shouted in that Rose Tyler style, Doctor. It tingled in the back of my skull, skittered across my brain and was gone. A ghost of you, haunting me, maybe keeping me from going too far. Yet it seemed so real.

I must be losing it my love. I'm hearing voices now.

Well I'm at peace for the moment. My grief tucked away fueling me as always. A quick stop for rest before moving on. Donna's asleep, curled up in an extra room while I'm in mine, alone, writing to my lost love, surrounded by her belongings. Those things I selfishly hid so that in the night while I slept I had something to hold, a substitute for the woman I long to hold, to caress, to love.

I'm waiting in the dark. You will bring me back to the light.

I love you.

The Doctor.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Doctor Who. The title this time was taken from the Cardigans "Love fool."

11. The unicorn and the wasp: Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me

Dearest Rose,

I've kept going somehow. I live on hoping to make you and Jenny proud. I feel sometimes as if it's all too easy for me. You humans can be devastated by grief, live the rest of your life completely lost without another. I've seen men who have just stopped after losing their loves or their children. Yet here I am still moving.

I guess I just don't have that option, but I still feel it, know that. It's a missing beat, a lost piece to the puzzle that is me; you and Jenny. I have to keep moving, despite how lost I feel without you.

And . . . I have Donna. She really is quite brilliant and reminds me of you. No A-levels, no high paying job or prospect of one and yet at times she seems to outsmart even me.

For example, we've just left Agatha Christie, I KNOW! But Donna she called it, all along, how the events were playing out like one of Agatha's books. Turns out she was right; a mix up in telepathic communications led to a killer who thought life was an Agatha Christie novel.

Quite amazing how things turn out, in the end.

Now I must tell you and don't get jealous or upset. Donna kissed me, but in doing so she saved my life. It meant nothing she provided a necessary shock to my system and helped me get rid of the poison that was coursing through me.

It was nothing like our kisses. I always wondered if you remembered our first, when the time vortex was still inside your mind. I suspected you did. Such a strong mind, like Agatha's. And though her memory was wiped, the events and memories still bled through inspiring her to write. Did that happen for you? Did you remember how I kissed you, literally sucking the time vortex from you? Or am I foolishly wishing you did?

Is this all just foolish hope? Am I hanging all of my dreams on some too distant star only to not reach them when the time comes?

I hope not. Such a good word, hope, four letters, yet they are what keep us going. Much like love and funnily enough for me they both are tied to another four-letter word. Now get your mind out of the gutter you cheeky Monkey. For me they are tied to Rose.

I love you.

The Doctor


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Doctor Who and the lyric this week comes from the wonderful and amazingly sexy Michael Buble. And just like the title of my story which I borrowed from his original song "Home" this one was taken from his other original song "Lost".

12. Silence in the library, The forest of the dead: When you feel like your done and the darkness has won. . .

Rose, oh my Rose,

I've met another old enemy, once again. The vastenerada, the living shadows. They're what killed Elton's mom. I couldn't save her just like I couldn't save Anita, proper Dave, and Miss Evangalista.

I nearly lost Donna too. She was saved to a computer's hardrive and thankfully redeemable. I need her. Her insanity brings peace to all the thoughts raging in my head. The sound of her voice, a non-stop incessant nagging drowns out all the others, yours in particular and Jenny's as well.

I'm concerned though. I was brought to the library, you'd love it, a world of books, plenty of ammunition with which to arm ourselves. Anyways I was called there by a message on the psychic paper. A woman named River Song sent it.

The problem was that she knows the future me and quite well in fact. . . She knew my name Rose. My true name, not just "The Doctor". I chose that one. She knew my real name. The one I sealed up. There's only one way she could know it my darling Rose and . . . I-I can't even write it.

That's not all that worries me though. Her face when she spoke to Donna, it-it spoke volumes. I fear my friend and you somehow will slip away from me and I will be all alone what will happen? Will I even become the doctor that River knew? Yes, knew, she's gone now too. Well, sort of. She lives inside the computer of the library, a life to be sure but one that moves at the pace of dreams. Everything changing in an instant with just a thought.

I don't know when I'll meet her but it can't be too soon. The screwdriver she had was much more advanced. Yes she had my sonic screwdriver, which in the end saved her. Though I did find out I can open the doors of the Tardis with just a mere snap of my fingers. Spooky right. I guess my ship and me really are connected.

Yet with all she said, she said nothing of you or Donna. I'm afraid my darling. Will I ever see you again? Will I finally hold you and love you as I am meant to? I was so hopeful, so certain but how quickly they are taken away. Like a leaf upon the wind, there one minute and gone the next. Much like you last time I saw you. When I got too caught up in my thoughts and ran out of time to say,

I love you.

The Doctor


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer:** Doctor Who=Not mine. The title for this one belongs to the Killers and comes from their song "Midnight Show".

13. Midnight: At the midnight show

Rose,

I can't start this letter with my usual remarks. I find my mind utterly blank. For just this once all of my raging thoughts have quieted, leaving me to the stillness.

You see, it seems I can't even go to a leisure palace without stumbling onto trouble. A new life form, I discovered a new life form. I wanted to protect it and what did it do. It took over an innocent woman, stole my voice, killed four people, and tried to kill me. I was helpless, stuck repeating what it said. Somehow I remained semiconscious of my surroundings. I could hear them. They were going to kill me, throw me out and let me turn to dust at the mercy of the exotonic sun.

And all I could do was sit and repeat.

Not even Donna was there to save me. She didn't want to travel, just wanted to stay at the leisure palace and sunbathe. While I traveled across a lifeless diamond planet called Midnight with a group of strangers.

My hearts are racing, my eyes still sting with unshed tears. What is becoming of me? I thought I was meant to save people, hence why I chose the title the Doctor. Yet in this case I couldn't. Even my cleverness made them suspicious. Am I really just a destroyer, my own villain?

If you were here you'd reassure me. You'd know what to say. But you're not and I . . . well I only have this left to say,

I love you.

The Doctor


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Doctor Who, wish I did though would really help with my college loans. I don't own the title either once again it comes from one of my favorite bands; The Killers. Thank you "Mr. Brightside".

left, The Stolen Earth, End of days: Jealousy, turning saints into the sea: Destiny is calling me.

Dear Rose,

I've never written those words; too generic to describe the type of greeting I wished to give you. I guess its fitting I use them now, for my last letter that I will ever write to you. I know you'll never get it now, but for my sake, I needed closure.

You see, you have me. You have the human version of me. And I . . . I have no one. Even Donna's gone now. She can't remember me. A human is not meant to have a time lord's brain, it eats away at their mind, too much knowledge converged on a much smaller sphere. I saved her, but at a cost. If she remembers, she'll burn. Die.

I knew it was coming, so therefore you know as well. Thanks to my clone. You and he will do well and that's fine, that's just . . . great.

I wanted to tell you Rose, I did. I bit my tongue almost clear through to stop myself. I knew, you see. I knew if I, the real doctor (with two hearts) said it to you, you would never accept him, and I . . . I would never leave you behind. And he in turn would never be saved. So once again I had to charm my way out of it. "Does it even need saying?" Damn right it does. And then, oh and then he, my doppelganger got to tell you, to whisper those three words that I've been dying to say for four years now.

I felt jealousy like I've never felt before. I wanted to rip him apart limb from limb and spread the pieces of him through time and space. And then come back and claim you where you stood. I shook in my rage but you didn't see. You grabbed him and kissed him.

And I escaped. Donna and I slipped into the Tardis and slid away. I don't know if I would've had the strength to leave if not for Donna and the pressing situation at hand.

She was the catalyst, in the end, as I predicted. She met you and the rest is history. But, oh, how my hearts soared when she said those words, two tiny words: Bad Wolf. You are the bad wolf. You created yourself. A trail of bread crumbs through time and the universe that connect us for eternity.

And then yet again, when I saw you for the first time. It was indescribable, but I'm sure you felt it too. Pure joy, ecstasy, love, relief, and anxiousness, all of it flooding your body. And it stayed as we traveled again and worked to defeat Davros.

He was wrong about you, my children of time. You are not soldiers, not my army, but my saviors and my peacemakers. You all learned to give them a choice, to use destruction and war as the last possible option. But it still pained me to see them with their hands on the trigger of such powerful weapons. In the end I was the one I should have worried about.

He has you now and is still feeling that wonderful, strange cocktail of emotions.

One I'm sure I won't feel again.

You are with him, John Smith, Doctor II, whatever you call him. He is who you spend your life with, not I. I am called onward, drifting through space and time. I'll think of you, my love. Oh believe me I will never forget you, My Rose.

Heal him and live on. Make me proud.

I love you.

The Doctor


	15. Epilogue

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Doctor Who. The title is not mine either it comes from the song "The Rose" by Bette Midler.

Epilogue: I say love it is a flower and you its only seed

Three years later

"Rose, darling, a little help here" I put my book down on the console of the Tardis and ran to the nursery, following his voice, the Doctor, my husband.

"Yes what is it?" I poked my head into the room, only to find our daughter, Verity lying on the changing table, happily naked and thoroughly enjoying playing tricks on her dad. She squirmed one way then the other, turned onto her belly, kicked her feet and pulled at the new nappy. As a result both she and her father were covered in baby powder, his blue suit coat, black shirt and jeans streaked and spotted with the white powder. His face was one of pure confusion, his lips pursed, his brow furrowed as if he were trying to figure out some great mystery and not simply change his daughter's nappy. I bit my lip to keep from laughing but a tiny giggle escaped, despite my best efforts.

"This isn't funny. She's torturing me." He leaned over our daughter and with a mock seriousness said, "Verity I order you to stop in deference to article seven of the shadow proclamation." I laughed and the Doctor smiled but our daughter's response was to kick the new nappy completely off with a resounding giggle.

"Honestly doctor, all the knowledge of the universe in your head and you can't change one nappy?" I moved towards them, hands on my hips and picked up the recently dropped diaper.

"Oh like its so easy. I'd like to see you do it." His eyes were bright with his challenge and I couldn't help but accept, as always.

"Five quid says I have it on her within a minute." He smiled his broad familiar grin and said, "Oh yes, its on."

I calmly walked over, placed my hand on her belly and she immediately calmed. I lifted her feet and slid the diaper under her. I stuck my tongue out to distract her and quickly fastened the tabs before she could squirm again. I then snapped her onesie and pulled on her pants. I sat her on my hip and turned to meet my husbands disbelieving gaze.

"Oh now that's just not fair." He complained while digging in his pocket.

"Pay up mister." I reached out my free hand and he paid quite grudgingly. Then a second later he was plucking Verity off of my hip and playing with her, blowing raspberries against her belly and kissing her, a natural father in all other respects, despite his struggle with diaper changes.

"You know I always dreamed of us doing this in the Tardis, saving the world and raising a family." He said quite suddenly. My heart stopped and our shocked gazes met as an awkward silence descended. We didn't mention that time apart. It tended to bring up the other doctor. A sore spot to be sure, well at least for him. I didn't mind for myself. My loyalty and love now after three years of marriage, totally and completely belonged to his human counterpart.

"You never mentioned this to me." I finally managed, trying to smooth over the awkward silence.

"Of course not. Only in my letters did I dare-." He stopped short and so did my heart and my breath.

"L-l-letters? W-w-what letters?" I was struck dumb. He'd written me letters. What did they say? When did he do this? Why didn't he give them to me when he left me with his clone?

"I shouldn't have told you."

"Yeah bit late for that! Spill!"

He dropped his eyes from mine and focused on Verity's angelic face. "I-I . . . huh . . . I wrote to you. A sort of journal or diary. It was how I dealt with it all. It was how I grieved."

I moved toward him, and cupping his cheek forced his gaze back to mine. I saw a strange shyness in his usually oh so arrogant eyes and sent him a reassuring smile.

"What kind of things did you write?" I asked. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply before pressing a kiss to Verity's blonde hair.

"Everything. I was completely honest. I poured my heart and soul into them." He confessed quietly.

I leaned in with a cheeky smile on my lips and a sultry look in my eyes. "Everything?" I murmured and he laughed, a short bark of laughter and nodded.

"Yes everything. But no matter what I had written previously they all ended the same way." My heart sped and I felt suddenly weak kneed and light headed. I was sure that by now I would be used to how he made me feel but no, the love was still all consuming and at times overwhelming.

"How?" I whispered.

He leaned in and murmured, "I love you" before crushing his lips to mine. The kiss was quick and hard and had me begging for more. I pressed my body against his and felt his body stirring against mine.

"I love you too." I said, quite breathless. His eyes shone with happiness and unshed tears. Then he pulled me impossibly closer. I wrapped my arms around him and our daughter just as he murmured, "Quite right too."

I buried my face in his shoulder and took comfort in him and our daughter. And though my thoughts strayed to him, the other doctor it was with mere thanks for giving me this.

Our happily ever after. An amazingly happy beginning.

Yet despite our happiness I sent up a quick prayer for him, to end his loneliness. For he had written the letters, and he didn't have our luck. He didn't get a happily ever after. All alone, the oncoming storm, the Doctor. Please send him a hand to hold.

As if in response a crack of Thunder echoed through the Tardis and shook me to my core. I could see it so clearly the dark of the sky, black with clouds, as desolate as the other Doctor's lonely existence. But at the end the sun would come back. The sky would be blue again. And I knew, peace would come to him too. Thank you. I threw the words back into the universe, with immense gratitude to whichever deity had listened to my prayer.

The Doctor's hand slid into mine and I leaned against him and our daughter with a sigh of contentment. My heart and mind finally at peace in that moment.

"What'd you say we get out of here?" He asked that all too familiar manic grin on his face.

"Sure, where to?" I took our daughter from him as we made our way to the console room.

"I was thinking Barcelona, the planet. Never did take you there." I smiled, remembering just what had interrupted our trip to that planet.

"Sounds perfect." I cuddled Verity close and watched as he moved around the console, hitting, turning, and pressing nearly every gadget before stopping at a lever. He turned to me, his brown eyes shining with love and happiness. Then with a wink and another manic grin, he murmured, "Allons-y."

The Tardis whooshed and we were once again thrown out into the universe. Ready for anything just as long as we had each other.


End file.
